Kosher?

“A Jewish man is sitting on a bench reading his newspaper when an anti-Semite approaches him and says, "You know, all the world's problems are because of the Jews." The Jewish man looks up and replies, "And the bicycle riders." The anti-Semite replies befuddled, "Why the bicycle riders?"
The Jewish man responds, "Why the Jews?"

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?" "On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"

Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the shul for morning services. "I thought we had agreed there was no God," he said. "Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the other.

During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman. "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner." "Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant. "Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman. "Will do," replied the sergeant. So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!" "No ma'am," said one of the soldiers.
"Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

Old Moishe Kestenbaum witnessed a burglary so he was called to testify at the trial. The defense lawyer asked Moishe, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Moishe, "I saw him take everything. As clear as day." The lawyer asked again, "Mr. Kestenbaum, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes," said Moishe, "No question about it." Then the lawyer asked, "Mr. Kestenbaum, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight is probably quite weak. Just how far can you see at night?"
Moishe replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him. "Pater Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. Just one little thing. Next time, please don't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim...' "

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the Israeli government, so I told the Mossad. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. "I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling." The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"