Searching

“Searching for the Ox

Until now, the ox has never gone astray. Why then does he need to search for it? Because he turned away from himself, he became estranged from it; then, lost in the dust, at last he let it astray; he’s lost as soon as the path divides. Winning and losing consume him like flames, right and wrong rise round him like blades.

Beating about the endless wildgrass, he seeks and searches, the rivers broaden, the mountains stretch on, and the trails go ever deeper. His strength exhausted and his spirit wearied, no place allows him refuge. He listens–there’s just the evening’s shrilling of cicadas in the trees.

Sought ox in the mountains–missed it. Only a cicada’s empty shrilling.

The preface of the first of the Ten Oxherding Pictures begins: “Until now, the ox has never gone astray. Why then does he need to search for it?” Why have we come here? Why have we gathered here to do zazen together? We are all looking for this deep mind. We are seeking. We are digging and searching. But is there even one of us who has ever lost it, or strayed in any way? Everyone has so many thoughts, so much confusion, and so many concerns. But from where have these come? And how are they different from this original essence?

Think of all the spaceships that have been sent into the universe recently. More than one thousand people from the time of the first flight have traveled into space. But do these flights make the universe any smaller? Do the thoughts that we each have make our Original Mind any smaller? We perceive our thoughts and mistakenly look at them as the source. But those thoughts are not our True Source. The universe includes all of the planets and all of the galaxies, but has the including of those ever made the universe any smaller?

“Until now the ox has never gone astray? Why then does he need to search for it?” It seems that the more we seek, the farther away it goes. And, if it has already been here, why do we need to search for it at all? “Because he turned away from himself, he became estranged from it; then, lost in the dust, at last he let it astray.” As soon as we think about doing something to clarify our mind, more thoughts and heaviness come. “Because he turned away from himself, he became estranged from it; then, lost in the dust, at last he let it astray.”

In the Bible it says, “Unless you become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.” Those of a pure mind will see God. Yet we divide this mind, this clear mind, this pure mind, into that mind which is emotional, that mind which is dualistic, that mind which is intellectual. We feel strange and uncomfortable and decide to go to a psychiatrist, to see a professional–as if this unfathomable mind could be analyzed in that way. Or we feel physically uncomfortable, and we go to our health club and work out, expecting to be able to resolve our problems in this way. And the doctors who so often divide body and mind into two separate compartments make this problem even more complex.

A brand-new baby is completely empty-minded. As it’s said, unless you become like children you cannot enter Heaven. But the clear mind exists even prior to the baby’s heredity. It’s said that at the age of sixteen months a child understands “one.” At the age of thirty-two months a child understands “two.” When a child understands two, then the ego comes forth. The world where there is only an understanding of the one could be said to be the world of God, where God reigns equally over everyone both good and bad. But prior to that knowledge of one, we still have that mind of zero. This is what has to be realized directly. When we give a baby a toy, it’s fine with that one toy, until the next toy comes, and then it becomes absorbed completely in that next toy. But the Original Mind is not that mind of one but what exists prior to that, what exists prior even to people or to planets; it is that world of zero.

We live and see everything around us from this world of two. But our eyes’ true source–that world of one–is prior to this world of two. And that which uses the world of one is even prior to that. When we see dualistically we are insecure and unbalanced. The hills of home recede farther and farther away. “He’s lost as soon as the path divides.”

“Winning and losing consume him like flames, right and wrong rise around him like blades.” As soon as one thought comes forth, we are in a world of dark ignorance and dualism. We have one wispy thought, and then another associates with that, and another with that, and another with that. A couple start life together with very little material support. Working hard together, they gather the basics for a kitchen, a home, a livelihood. They have a child; they build their life as a family. But eventually, as things start working out, as their life becomes more comfortable, where they had been united in their difficulty and in making strong efforts together, now they become divided, with each of them wanting his or her own rights. Their child grows up, and they all want their own rights and their own material possessions.

In China it’s said that you cannot possibly divide a peach into exactly equal pieces. If you divide a peach into four pieces, even if they are all of exactly the same size and weight, they will still be unequal, because the flavor in each part of the peach will be different. Some part will be more delicious than the others. They will not ultimately be equal, even if they are equal by weight. In this way, the idea of equality is unresolvable. That is the greatest problem on this earth today. Everyone wants an equality of quality as well as an equality of size. But if we give someone else the larger piece, then that person is happy, and we are especially happy at someone else’s happiness. This is the equality of satisfaction. Within this we can catch a glimpse of something important. We can see the dualism from a larger place beyond win and lose, beyond right and wrong. Beyond dualism there is an equality of true human quality. This true quality is the source of actual equality. If we can embrace that, if we can see that equality clearly, then all humans can respect and love each other deeply.

That mind of pure equality is called Buddha. We who are so full of dualism cannot see it, but if we can get a glimpse beyond time and location, in this way we also have a sudden glimpse of this clear mind that we all have from the origin. While having this dualistic mind we realize that we have also, right now, a living mind, prior to that dualism. We must decide to realize that, or else we and all of the world will always be stuck in dualism. This is Finding the Tracks, the second of the Ten Oxherding Pictures.

There is also a verse that goes with Searching for the Ox; its first line is, “Beating about the endless wildgrass, he seeks and searches.” We have given rise to this Bodhisattva vow. But the more we sit, the more thoughts we seem to have. And where is that Original Mind we were going to look for and realize, anyway? Is this mind we are sitting here with, so full of delusions and thoughts, anything that another could ever prostrate to? There is no cow of enlightenment there, not even a trace of a footstep. Maybe we had better go home quickly and accept that we are meant to live in a world full of desires. That’s probably better for us anyway. Thinking about it in that way, we turn away.

“The rivers broaden, the mountains stretch on, and the trails go ever deeper.” We sit. We want to do this, we think about doing that, we plan for doing something else. Our legs hurt, our backs hurt; we get angry at all of those thoughts, we get angry because our legs hurt, we get angry because our backs hurt. The harder we work, the worse it gets. And then there’s the Roshi sitting up there talking about something so splendid, which makes no sense. It’s as if we are trying to scratch an itch on our foot from the outside of our shoe. What is the good of any of this?

“His strength exhausted and his spirit wearied, no place allows him refuge.” It has just started, and already I don’t like being here. I think I’m not meant for this place; it doesn’t suit me. I think I’d better leave. I’ve left so much work undone, and I really should be getting to it. Maybe I didn’t do the right thing by coming here, and I should just leave right now. “He listens–there’s just the evening shrilling of cicadas in the trees.” My life is so busy, why did I leave it to come here? I can’t figure out any of this. I may as well go home. We all think this. Everyone has thought this.

But do not give up when you have finally been able to get started, when you have finally been able to get to the starting line. All of those here who look as if they have been doing this for so long had this exact same state of mind at the beginning. Those people who have now been doing this for three or five years all went through the same phase of wanting to leave. And somehow they kept going. After all, we have all paid already and freed up this week of time for the doing of this. So we might as well stay. But for everyone at the beginning it was a process of deciding to stay, deciding to go, deciding to stay, deciding to go, and then finally staying.

Everyone has this identical experience. No one is a superman about this. Everyone has confused thoughts, everyone has pain, and everyone wants to leave at the beginning. But, when something is finally actually experienced and felt directly, even though we are not sure what that is, we know it was right to keep going. To keep going even a little bit at a time is what has to be done. This cannot be resolved all at once. But once you have started, just keep that effort going...”

~ Shodo Harada, Commentary on Ten Oxherding Pictures

Image ~ Lion's Roar