Zamba 1

"I ended up going to Nepal and walking around in the Himalayas. That’s how I met my first teacher, who spoke a little English. Within 15 minutes he really began to make sense of my confusion and gave me different ideas to consider that would deeply impact my life. This was Lama Yeshe, way back in the beginning of his days in Kopan in the 1970s. It just consisted of a little house at that time. He and Lama Zopa lived up there, and I was just amazed at this man. He was so warm, so open, so understanding, compassionate, wise. I wanted to be near him, and so I said, “Can I come and live here?”

He said, “No, we don’t have anywhere for you to live here, we only have these few rooms. But maybe you can get a room in the village if you want to come up here.” So that’s what I did. I lived in a little Nepali village and went to talk to him every day and work around the house. I was inspired more by his example than by what he said, and I thought, “I want to be like that. That really is a very fine example of a human being.” He just happened to be a monk.

He was always present. Whoever came there, he was there for them. He really had the ability to listen to whatever that person was saying, to go beyond the words to the meaning and give them whatever they needed in that moment. So they always walked away with some element that they could utilize in their life that would make them better human beings. He had a very special quality. He was so playful, so humorous—always laughing. He had an incredible laugh, you could hear it all over. Very much like HH the Dalai Lama when he laughs, that wonderful, totally full laugh—cosmic laugh, whatever you want to call it!

And at the same time, so sharp, so precise. He could just see what was going on, he could see through all the games. And he would point it out to you, “Now look at this, look at that. See what you’re doing. There’s always causes and conditions for your experience.” It seemed to me what was being pointed out was that you don’t have to go back to the past to understand the present. Rather, you have to understand the present in order to understand the sequence of what brings you to that point in time so that you see that way.

Because he was a monk, I decided I wanted to become a nun—I thought that was the way to become an open, compassionate person. I was just so scattered, I thought, “I need some kind of commitment here, both an inner commitment and an outer commitment.” So off I went and said, “I want to become a nun”! He looked at me and said, “Becoming a nun to you is just like another acid trip! You don’t know what it means to become a nun. Why don’t you go away for a while and check your motivation. Why do you want to become a nun? Is it because you like the clothes, you like the appearance? Why do you think that taking robes is going to help you to be a better human being? You go away and think about it, and when you’re very clear as to why you want to become a nun, then you can come back and talk to me.” I thought, “Oh dear! I thought it was easy to become a nun—a change of clothes, and then you were a nun”!

So I went back to England and really investigated why I thought becoming a nun was the best way for me to make my life useful and of benefit to others. Was there really a necessity to become a nun, to change my appearance? I thought about all the things I could do with my life—this, that, relationships, jobs, but I wasn’t interested in anything. Nothing could answer my nagging questions of “What’s it all about? Why am I here? Why did I go through all this?” After a few months in the UK, I went back to Nepal and told Lama Yeshe, “Now I know why I want to become a nun. I feel without any doubt—for me personally—I need that kind of commitment, that reminder of what I’m doing, of what I’m committed to doing in this lifetime and why.”

I started with taking the eight precepts every morning, and then slowly this kind of discipline becomes more natural, you have less tendency to want to lie, steal, kill, or harm others in any way. You begin to live in that kind of discipline—it makes you more mindful. Whenever there is a tendency to act in a way that’s harmful, something stops you and you reconsider your action. You may usually be on automatic pilot, which makes you go over to that mosquito and maybe want to get rid of it, harm it. So now, instead of seeing it as a threat in some way, you want to protect it. You have the space—your discipline makes you reconsider your usual habit of trying to maintain your own comfort zone. You think more about the other being. And you don’t feel the need to be dishonest. There’s no reason to lie any more—there’s nothing to protect.

When I explained to Lama Yeshe my motivation for becoming a nun, he considered whether it was true, whether it was really coming from my heart. And he said, “I won’t give you ordination myself, I’ll take you to my teacher in India—Geshe Rabten.” So I went to Geshe Rabten, who was one of the main advisers to HH the Dalai Lama and a great scholar and practitioner himself. When it came time for the actual ordination ceremony he called down five of the yogis who lived above McLeod Ganj, who were His Holiness’s personal yogis so-to-speak. HH the Dalai Lama really took care of them, he sponsored them. They’d been up there years and years in retreat—incredible beings. Geshe Rabten called the five principal yogis down to be part of the ordination.

There were very few Westerners around at that time. Lama Yeshe was there for the ordination—this was the novice ordination of 36 precepts. My hair was formally shaved, although I’d already cut it off, and I was given my full set of robes—specific kinds of robes I had to wear in certain ways from then on. That was the beginning of my monastic life. I went back to Nepal, but it wasn’t really working for me living at Kopan. I wanted to be in retreat, so I went off down the valley away from Kopan, where the numbers of people were increasing. I wasn’t into the group aspect at all, I just wanted to be in solitary retreat. Off I went to this wonderful Vajrayogini shrine I found. It was in somebody’s house—actually in a largish barn.

I was doing what I thought I should be doing, which was offerings to Vajrayogini and basic practice. I would kind of meditate—my idea of meditate—at least sitting still and stilling the mind a bit. Studying my Dharma books. But that was not Lama Yeshe’s idea for me! He found out where I was—even though it was a long way from Kopan—and he sent a monk down the valley to find me. There was a knock on the door: “Lama Yeshe says you have to come back and give a public talk this weekend.” “No,” I replied. “I’m just going to stay here and meditate. I can’t give a public talk—I don’t know anything. I don’t want to end up being a hypocrite. What am I supposed to talk about?” After a few days the monk returned again: “Lama Yeshe says you need to come back this weekend and give a talk.” “I’m in retreat!” I protested.

Then he came a third time—it was really a long way from Kopan and I’m really stubborn—and he said, “Lama Yeshe says you have to come back. You’re going to give a talk on karma!” I felt terrible, but I couldn’t refuse after three times. So I went back to Kopan, and there were 200 people! Westerners, from all over the world. And there I was, I had no idea what I was talking about. I was really not very happy. Then Lama Yeshe looked at me and he said, “You’ll give a talk next weekend too.” Well, I really didn’t want to be sharing my confusion with others so I refused, and through this decision and the advice of Lama Zopa Rinpoche, I ended up going back to India to study and practice under the guidance of Geshe Rabten…”

~ Ani Zamba Chozom was one of the first Westerners to be ordained as a Buddhist nun. Born in England in 1948, a serious illness as a teenager aroused in her a strong desire to benefit others. In search of answers to her confusion about life, in the 1960s she traveled overland to India, and has since practiced in many different countries and traditions. Today she lives mainly in Brazil, where her practical teachings, rooted in the simplicity of Dzogchen, are proving an inspiration to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike.