“Sally is stuck in anger,” Dr. Loretto explained. “She is fuming, and I can’t seem to move her toward greater trust or even acceptance about what has happened. James refuses to attend therapy sessions, which is further dividing them. I’ve tried relaxation techniques with her and other stress reduction procedures, but they help only so much. Any suggestions?” “Perhaps she needs to reinterpret what has happened in the marriage. Is it possible to work with her on how the conflicts may be making her a stronger person?” Dr. Marks, a psychiatrist associated with the local hospital, suggested. “I suppose I could try it, but you know, each fight they have seems to erode the relationship and her confidence a little bit more.” “I wonder if you should have her simply confront her anger. Is she aware of how angry she is?” asked Reverend Botham, the pastoral counselor. “No, I doubt she is aware of the depth of it,” Dr. Loretto clarified, “but I could be opening a hornet’s nest here. Insight is fine, but in this case, what do we do with the anger once it comes to the surface? She is fragile right now. Her recourse may be to make a permanent break with James. I’d hate to see such a break right now under these circumstances.” “You’ve been working with her for a while,” said Reverend Botham, “so she probably is motivated to stay in the marriage…”
Months later, Dr. Loretto reported, “Sally has been attempting to forgive James for a while now. I’m finding that forgiveness does make her more positive and hopeful about herself and her relationship with James. What I find most fascinating is how forgiveness has led her to explore other meaningful relationships in her life. As it is turning out, she and her father interacted very similarly to the way she and James relate. She is particularly angry with the way her dad would be demanding and uncommunicative with her. When James does this, it really pushes her buttons. As I have worked with Sally on forgiving her father, she has begun to be more objective about the marriage and more understanding of the patterns in her marriage. For example, she began to see that James didn’t know how to handle all of her intensity coming his way, and so he became verbally aggressive. She dug in her heels, just like she did when she was younger with her father. Sally’s forgiving her father has helped her be more mature and less reactive in her relationship with James. They still have a long way to go, but forgiveness is giving both her and James hope that was not there before…”
Forgiveness is embedded in many religious traditions, including Jewish, Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, and Hindu. People take what the philosopher Yandell (1998) called the cosmic perspective, in which the client sees an offender in a broad, spiritual context. Clients who begin to forgive may ask such questions as “Is the person loved by God?” “Where will that person go when he or she dies?” “Is the person capable of being transformed and showing genuine goodness?” The therapist’s task, it seems to us, is to be open to the client’s exploration of the situation in light of his or her belief system. A therapist, of course, will avoid imposing his or her own views here…
We have seen people who were so mired in anger that they did not have the energy to find a good job. Forgiveness freed them not only to seek employment but also to move out of the city in which they lived to take advantage of a better offer. We have witnessed people who have been estranged from family members for years find their way back to positive and meaningful relationships. We have seen people who labeled themselves as “crazy” realize that they had a legitimate complaint against an offending person. Forgiveness gave them the courage to face the injustice, recognize the emotional pain, let go of their debilitating resentment, and cast off their self-defeating label for themselves. The cases presented in the book will give readers myriad insights into what forgiveness can do. As we delve into the world of forgiveness therapy, this exciting world with much potential, we hope that readers will share their creativity, experience, and wisdom with us. This is a work in progress, one that should grow and deepen for many decades. Let this be a team effort in which interested people begin to cooperate in the development of new knowledge in this area…
Forgiveness therapy may not be compatible with forms of therapy that claim to be silent about right and wrong, justice and mercy. In other words, forgiveness therapy may not be congruent with forms of therapy that claim to be value free. To practice forgiveness therapy, the therapist must be able to help the client determine that certain behaviors are wrong and unfair and to help the client determine that other behaviors, such as mercy, can under certain circumstances be right and good. Therapists must be comfortable dealing with these moral issues to practice this form of therapy.
A key feature of forgiveness therapy is understanding, confronting, and reducing or even eliminating unhealthy anger (described in the points that follow). Anger is an internal state that includes both feelings and thoughts and an external state when expressed verbally and behaviorally. When angry, a person experiences physiological arousal and related emotional pain to unfair treatment or frustration. Thoughts include an awareness of injustice or frustration (which is usually associated with feelings of sadness) and a plan to respond (which is often associated with a sense of pleasure). A person can be angry without awareness, but awareness of the problem that is causing the anger is essential to recovery. The kind of anger at the center of forgiveness therapy is characterized by seven points:
1. The anger is focused on another person or other people.
2. The anger is intense, at least in the short term.
3. The anger sometimes leads to a learned pattern of annoyance, irritation, and acrimony with others who may not be the source of the anger.
4. The anger can be extreme in its passivity or its overt hostility.
5. The anger is sometimes regressive, appropriate for those much younger.
6. The anger abides.
7. The anger is based on a real injustice and hurt, not some fanciful occurrence irrationally perceived…
So far, the research studies on forgiveness have demonstrated numerous benefits to patients, including a lessening of depressive symptoms, diminished anxiety, increased hope, improved self-esteem, and a decreased preoccupation with offenders. In addition, the benefits observed in more than 35 years of clinical use include improved stability of mood, fewer impulsive behaviors, and improved ability to control angry feelings with less overreaction or misdirection of anger. Other results include improved marital and family relationships and decreased obsessional thinking and compulsive behaviors.”
~ Robert D. Enright, Forgiveness Therapy
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