Hail Robert Peace Unmani

Ok so here goes some sharing about the cremation...
Firstly the crematorium was a desolate place with nothing decorative or beautiful about it apart from the trees around the sides. There were about 20 people gathered, several of them musicians with guitars. We were told that Robert Hanuman would be brought and burnt at pyre number 2 at 4pm. While we waited for his body to be brought from the morgue, we played Robert's album on a speaker that someone had brought with.
I had been feeling on a kind of autopilot mode arranging the practical things, so I took some time to sit on the side and closed my eyes to feel what was underneath the autopilot. There was a well of feeling there. After some time I opened my eyes and I was surrounded by loving friends. Then the sobs came. They held me as I broke open and open with deep pain. I was so grateful to be able to feel again, even if it was such pain.
A small ambulance drove in and parked by number 2. They opened the back door and already I recognised his feet. I loved those feet. I have stroked and massaged those feet. By now we were all singing 'Love is the Fire' - a song that the band had played as we walked into our wedding 4 months ago. The energy rose up and up with the music. I danced and sang to the fullest, to welcome my love. Then they took him and with the help of friends, they placed him lovingly on the pyre. His face was uncovered. All he was wearing were the jean shorts that he died in. His body looked distorted after a week of cold storage, but I still was so touched seeing the body that I have loved so much. I wasn't repulsed by the reality of death. I welcome this deepest intimacy with my best friend and love of my life. I wanted to be near him and not shy away from any part of it.
They piled wood on top of him and poured diesel all over it. Then they handed me the long stick to light the fire. I was told by an Indian friend that the tradition is to light the fire where his mouth is, and then circle the pyre 7 times, each time lighting the fire on his mouth. I was honoured to do this for my love. I watched his beautiful hair burn. The music went on and we danced and danced. We sang Hanuman mantras because Robert had taken on the name Hanuman as a symbol of awakening to fullness as a courageous human. Different musicians took turns to play all kinds of music that Robert loved. I could feel him celebrating with us.
During most of this my sister and a friend had taken Sky away so that he did not see his daddy's body. But when the pyre was burning they brought him back. I danced with him in sadness together, and then in joy and celebration. It was wonderful to swing him around and hear him laugh out loud. It felt so right that he should be with us there, and celebrate his Daddy.
We stayed there for 2 hours watching the fire burn. I watched what was left of his skeleton burning. I was reluctant to leave but there was another cremation happening and they asked us to stop the music and leave. The local people had been shocked watching us strange Westerners make music and celebrating.
I went back to that desolate place the next day to collect my husband's ashes and bones.
This whole experience was such a raw and real confrontation of death in all of its intimate splendour. It touched all who were there. I know that Robert would have approved wholeheartedly of this kind of funeral. Watching my love giving his body up to the fire with such grace and surrender, cracked me open in overwhelming love and deep peace. Since then, the waves of grief and loss of his sweet body, have deepened as the reality of it sets in, but I feel such love that holds it all.