“Codependency as the word is commonly used today as the out-of-balance behavior of someone who is overinvolved in another person’s life. Melody Beattie is credited for popularizing the term in her 1986 best-selling book Codependent No More, in which she describes codependents as people who become so obsessed with other people’s feelings and behaviors that they—in an effort to control or fix them—lose sight of their own feelings and actions.
My ten-year-old grandson gave me a new perspective on the issue of control when he came down with a flu bug last Thanksgiving. He had so looked forward to the school holiday and a long weekend to be with family and play with his twin brother and their friends. “I don’t want to be sick, Meema,” he told me sadly when I went to check on him. In an effort to console him, I said, “But just think, honey. If you’re still sick tomorrow, we can give you all the attention. You can be the boss of all of us!” His response was quick and firm. “That doesn’t sound like fun at all, Meema. Being everybody’s boss sounds like way too much responsibility.” My grandson is right. While the fantasy of being the “boss” might at first seem appealing, taking complete control wouldn’t be that much fun in the long run. And it isn’t very realistic.
Giving up the illusion of control is an integral step in achieving a healthy balance in relationships. While it is true that being loving, giving, and nurturing are admirable qualities, it’s important to balance that reality with taking time to love and nurture ourselves too—especially in caregiving relationships. Often that means letting go of the idea that we have the power to change anyone. You may have heard the old saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” In other words, we can guide and even nag others, but—as much as we might try and as good as we think we might be at it—we can’t script their lives or control how they will act or react. We can plot and plan, yet the unexpected still happens. We have no control over diseases like cancer, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, or addiction that may strike someone we care about deeply.”
~ Cynthia Orange, Take Good Care: Finding Your Joy in Compssionate Caregiving
“Dennis had been on edge for the past two weeks ever since his father, who lived in another state, announced that he and Dennis’s mother were coming to visit Dennis and his family. While Dennis had told his wife about the proposed visit, they had agreed to delay telling the children—Bob, age nine, and Cybil, age seven—because neither child liked their grandfather. This dislike was so intense that the children refused to ride in the car with their grandfather unless Dennis was with them. Dennis was really dreading the visit. Dennis found it hard to describe what his father did that caused such dislike by his family, and although he had a lifetime of experiencing his father’s behavior and attitudes, he could not put words to what was so troubling about them. When he talked about his father, he could only say that his father was arrogant, gave orders, and expected prompt obedience and compliance, that he lacked empathy, and that he expected everyone to admire him. Dennis knew that his father was beginning to show some signs of aging and wasn’t pleased about it, but Dennis had hoped that aging would result in some positive changes for his father, such as becoming more aware and sensitive to the impact of what he said and did. So far, none of this had happened, and Dennis feared that his father’s actions during his visit would have a devastating effect on his wife and children...”
Let’s examine the effects of aging and why these matter, especially for the relationship with your self-absorbed parent.
Aging is a phase of life that brings changes that are inevitable and that can be distressing, although each person will have a different set of changes and concerns. Most changes happen gradually and may not be noticed or appreciated by anyone other than the person who is experiencing them, and responses to these changes can vary from limited acceptance to complete denial. The changes that may occur as a result of aging can be categorized as physical, cognitive, relational, emotional, financial, and existential. Some examples are listed below. As you review them, you may want to reflect on the extent to which your parent is experiencing any of these changes, or other such changes as a part of aging, and on how important they are for your parent.
• Impact on appearance, such as wrinkles, sagging skin
• Alcohol or drug dependence
• Development of chronic or acute illnesses
Increased use of medications and the side effects for these
• Decreased energy, vigor
• Decline in sex drive, pleasure
• Sensory impairment, such as for vision, hearing, or taste Insomnia, sleep difficulties
• Increasingly constant aches and pain
• Short-term and long-term memory decline
• Thinking decline, or cognitive impairment
Decline in ability to acquire new knowledge
• Difficulty adjusting to new ideas or changes
• Greater social isolation Increasing fear of dependency on others
• Divorce or increasing estrangement from spouse
• Death of spouse, relatives, or friends
• Awareness of lost dreams or missed opportunities Increasing envy over others’ accomplishments
• Fear of becoming irrelevant, minimized, ignored, or overlooked
• Depression or depressed mood
• Loss of income or potential loss
• Concerns about protecting assets for end-of-life challenges Increased cost of health care, such as assisted living or nursing-home care
• Greater focus on the meaning and purpose for life
• Facing the inevitability of death
End-of-life concerns
• Feelings of loneliness or alienation
As you can see, many changes may accompany the aging phase of life, and many are unpleasant to even contemplate. Aging self-absorbed parents may not react well to the changes they are experiencing, particularly since many of these changes are not under their control.
You may have already identified your parent as being self-absorbed. Every self-absorbed parent is different, however, and the following scale will help you to identify how your own parent displays self-absorption. This will better enable you to focus on this book’s suggestions for coping with your parent’s distressing behaviors…
Rate the extent to which your parent fits the description on each item:
• Grandiosity. An inflated self-perception of being superior, more capable, or more influential than others, even when there may be evidence that this is not a valid self-perception.
• The impoverished self. This is the other side of grandiosity, the deflated self, the inadequate self that is in danger of being abandoned or destroyed because it is fatally flawed. This state can alternate with grandiosity very quickly for your parent, which can be confusing.
• Entitlement attitude. People with this attitude are convinced that they deserve preferential treatment; that others should give them what they desire without any hesitation or question; and that they should not have to ask for what they need or want. They also tend to assume that rules do not apply to them.
• Attention seeking. This behavior is designed to draw other people’s attention. Examples include sulking, talking loudly, interrupting others, telling lots of jokes, or wearing unusual attention-grabbing clothing or makeup.
• Admiration hungry. Those with this quality engage in behaviors designed to bring other people’s attention to them. Examples include constantly fishing for compliments, being overly responsive to flattery, and seeking numerous awards or other recognitions.
• Unique and special...”
~ Nina W Brown, Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents
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