What the Dying Want

"Heart Advice on Helping the Dying

IN A HOSPICE I KNOW, Emily, a woman in her late sixties, was dying of breast cancer. Her daughter would visit her every day and there seemed to be a happy relationship between the two. But when her daughter had left, Emily would nearly always sit alone and cry. After a while it became clear that the reason for this was that her daughter had refused completely to accept the inevitability of her death, but spent her whole time encouraging her mother to "think positively," hoping that by this her cancer would be cured. All that happened was that Emily had to keep her thoughts, deep  fears, panic, and grief to herself, with no one to share them with, no one to help her explore them, no one to help her understand her life, and no one to help her find a healing meaning in her death...

Learn to listen, and learn to receive in silence: an open, calm silence that makes the other person feel accepted. Be as relaxed as you can, be at ease; sit there with your dying friend or relative as if you had nothing more important or enjoyable to do. I have found that, as in all grave situations of life, two things are most useful: a common-sense approach and a sense of humor. Humor has a marvelous way of lightening the atmosphere, helping to put the process of dying in its true and universal perspective, and breaking the over-seriousness and intensity of the situation. Use humor, then, as skillfully and as gently as possible.

I have found also, from my own experience, that it is essential not to take anything too personally. When you least expect it, dying people can make you the target of all their anger and blame. As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross says, anger and blame can "be displaced in all directions, and projected onto the environment at times almost at random."  Do not imagine that this rage is really aimed at you; realizing what fear and grief it springs from will stop you from reacting to it in ways that might damage your relationship. Sometimes you may be tempted to preach to the dying, or to give them your own spiritual formula. Avoid this temptation absolutely, especially when you suspect that it is not what the dying person wants! No one wishes to be "rescued" with someone else's beliefs.

Remember your task is not to convert anyone to anything, but to help the person in front of you get in touch with his or her own strength, confidence, faith, and spirituality, whatever that might be. Of course, if the person is really open to spiritual matters, and really wants to know what you think about them, don't hold back either. Don't expect too much from yourself, or expect your help to produce miraculous results in the dying person or "save" them. You will only be disappointed. People will die as they have lived, as themselves. For real communication to be established, you must make a determined effort to see the person in terms of his or her own life, character, background, and history, and to accept the person unreservedly. Also don't be distressed if your help seems to be having very little effect and the dying person does not respond. We cannot know the deeper effects of our care..." - SOGYAL RINPOCHE, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

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