Not Knowing​

“NOT KNOWING” IS something that is undervalued in our culture. Most of us are conditioned to believe that not knowing isn’t a very worthy trait. When you take a test at school, for example, and you don’t know the answer, you feel anxious, like you’ve done something wrong, and you feel stress as you try to remember and you try to know. But in the context of spiritual inquiry, we actually let go of trying to know. we let go of conceptual certainty.

Right now, you can allow yourself to experience a very simple sense of not knowing—not knowing what or who you are, not knowing what this moment is, not knowing anything. If you give yourself this gift of not knowing and you follow it, a vast spaciousness and a mysterious openness dawns within you. Relaxing into not knowing is almost like surrendering into a big, comfortable chair; you just fall into a field of possibility.

When you first encounter this field of not knowing, you may feel vulnerable; this field of uncertainty may make you feel naked, as though you are unable to protect yourself. You can inquire directly into this: what is the you that feels vulnerable? What is it, really? Your mind will tell you that this you who feels vulnerable is actually something real, something that actually exists. But if you look at it, what you’ll begin to see is that it’s just a thought: “I’m vulnerable.” It’s a thought based on memory. Every one of us, through the process of growing up, has had moments when we’ve felt very open and exposed, where someone has come in and taken advantage of us, lashed out against us, or told us we were wrong. we learned that being wide open may not be the best idea.

Most adults are desensitized to the openness and the innocence of a child. When as children our natural vulnerability is violated, an imprint is left, a memory of hurt, which results in a recoiling. These kinds of memories often remain with us, causing us to conclude: “If I allow myself to be too open, too vulnerable, I’m likely to get hurt. I really shouldn’t do this.” however, vulnerability is always there, whether we’re consciously opening to it or not. It’s not like we’re more protected when we armor ourselves with self-image and other ideas about who and what we are. In reality, the effort of armoring ourselves really doesn’t work.

When we armor ourselves, when we close from natural openness and vulnerability, what is it that we’re protecting? Are we protecting something that’s actually here, or are we merely protecting an idea of ourselves, held in memory?

If the feeling of openness and vulnerability triggers a memory in the present moment, just allow that memory, along with all its associated emotions, to arise. But see it and feel it for what it is: a memory reemerging in the current time, in the space of right now. If you know it’s just a memory that got triggered from this space of openness, then you realize it’s not something that’s happening now. Rather, it’s the arising of the past. Now it’s not so intimidating, it’s not so threatening. It’s okay if old memories arise; they’re not problems in and of themselves.

~ Adyashanti ~
Falling Into Grace