Assuming Too Much.

Assuming this goes without saying is assuming too much.

Spiritual Ethical Guide Number 1
Do Not Have Sex With A Spiritual Teacher
I hate to say this because it should be obvious, but from all the damage I have seen recently and over the years it doesn't seem to be.

It would seem that spiritual teachers should know better, but this also doesn't always seem to be the case. Recently more has come to my attention regarding sexual abuse of students by a number of current spiritual teachers. It saddens me. The women who have talked to me have been deeply damaged by these encounters, not only sexually and emotionally, but also spiritually as spiritual teachings were twisted in order to excuse the abusive and manipulative behavior of the teacher. I have known women who were still scarred by this behavior thirty years later. Their sincere trust, devotion and desire for awakening was manipulated and abused.

There are sexual predators in all walks of life. But nowhere is there more vulnerability than in the spiritual teacher student relationship.

So basically: Don't do it. Do not have sex with a spiritual teacher.

Sexual predators will often make promises to manipulate you into the sack, usually couched in spiritual terms. "You're ready to awaken and this special tantric practice is all you need." "You're specially chosen by me." "You're special." "You're so advanced, I'm going to initiate you into my special enlightenment practices." "My enlightened energy will awaken you." Etc.

It's true that awakened beings have a lot of energy. Unconditional love, presence and highly focused attention and energy are very powerful. But you can receive this transmission from the back seat in an auditorium or online. You don't need to be physically next to the teacher. You certainly don't need to have sex with him. At best the sexual energy will only be a distraction from this pure spiritual energy. It's not going to help you awaken. Don't fall for the spiritual lines, promises and manipulations of a sexual predator no matter how enlightened he claims to be.

And if you are approached with these kinds of lines, immediately walk away and don't look back. You don't want someone like that as your spiritual teacher. The majority of spiritual teachers are not out to abuse and manipulate you into bed. Abusive sexual predators are relatively rare in the spiritual teacher community. But it would be nice if they were a lot more rare. They are here. Beware of this.

Your parents probably told you as a child not to accept candy from a stranger in a van parked across from your school yard.  And most definitely don't get into the van no matter how cute the little puppy or whatever else you're promised. It's possible he could just be a nice, friendly man with a love for small animals. But why take that chance?

The same is true with spiritual teachers. It's possible he's not a sexual predator. But if he starts hinting about how special you are, offering you special experiences and eventually leading up to sex, why take that chance? No matter what kind of candy is offered, just walk away.

Unconditional love, presence and the ability to focus energy and attention are very attractive. Perhaps you as a student are the one who initiates a sexual overture. Maybe you can get special attention from the guru. You're playing with fire and you're going to get burnt. If your overtures are accepted, again, walk away. This is not a teacher you want in your life.

Do not have sex with a spiritual teacher.

What About Those Who Are Not Abusers?

The Therapeutic Relationship
In professional therapeutic relationships there are professional ethical guidelines. The therapist does not have sex with the patient. Doing so is grounds for losing your professional license to practice. This makes perfect sense. The therapeutic relationship is very intimate. You are sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions. The therapist is present with you and without any judgment holds you in unconditional regard. Transference and counter-transference are common. To act on these projections is not helpful to the therapeutic relationship. It muddies the waters.

The Spiritual Teacher / Student Relationship
The spiritual teacher / student relationship is even more intimate. Not only are you sharing your very deepest thoughts and feelings, but your very being at the deepest level, your very essence. And the spiritual teacher is completely present and filled with unconditional love and total attention. You can't get more intimate than this. Transference / projections are also common in this relationship. Generally counter-transference, projection from the teacher is less common. But if the teacher still has more work to do, this can also happen. If this transference and projection results in a consensual sexual relationship, the waters are even more muddied.

The advice for a therapeutic relationship if a consensual sexual relationship is desired is to immediately end the therapeutic relationship. After a period of time, a month or so, after the new therapy session with another therapist has been established, begin dating.

This is a bit more challenging for a spiritual teacher. It is possible for a therapist to not be a therapist to his or her partner once they have a new therapist. But this is not so easy for a spiritual teacher. It's not a job that you turn off at 5 pm or after the retreat is over. It's a way of living. You make a vow to relieve the suffering of all beings and help all beings awaken. You are not separate from life and this is what life does. You have no life separate from life. If your partner is suffering, you are suffering. You cannot help but relieve her or his suffering, especially if they ask for your help, which they almost always will.

So even if the sexual relationship is completely consensual and time is taken to seriously, deeply and honestly consider it and all the ramifications, it's still a problem. The waters are still muddied.

Even in this case, I would say, just don't do it.

What Should A Spiritual Teacher Do?
Where does that leave the non-abusive spiritual teacher? The answer to that is not so easy. In my case, I chose a monk's life. That's one way to answer the question. It seems to work very well. If you are truly content, at peace, happy, with no needs, it works very well. If you're still working out some attachments it can be a little more challenging.

The other way I have seen this work is when two spiritual teachers are partners. In that way there is no student / teacher relationship. It is more of a partnership of two teachers working together. This also works quite well.

Other than these two ways, I can't see it working out very well. The spiritual teacher / student relationship is no place for sex. If we understand that, accept that and live that, it will avoid a lot of problems. I feel it's far better to prevent these psychic and spiritual damages from happening, rather than trying to heal them after the fact. Prevention is always the best medicine.

I wrote this for students because abusive sexual predators and narcissists usually don't change. In that case it is up to students to be forewarned and avoid these situations and these teachers.

In cases where abuse is not an issue, it is something to look at very carefully. Even here, there are many reasons why this is not a good idea. Even here, the waters are very muddied.

A third option in addition to monkhood or a partnership between two spiritual teachers is simply to stop teaching. If the relationship is truly more important than your spiritual teaching, then simply stop teaching. For a true teacher this will be impossible and that tells you all you need to know. But if it is possible, if you feel called to make that choice, then it is perfectly okay to step down and stop teaching. Your commitment to teaching was not as important as this relationship. That also tells you everything you need to know. Monks and nuns do this when they give up their robes to get married and raise a family. They feel that this is more important than their spiritual commitment and vows as a monk or nun. There is nothing wrong with this. We all have priorities in life. If the relationship is truly your priority than by all means go for it. 

I truly hope this brings some clarity to an issue in spiritual communities that has been going on for a long time and has created a great deal of suffering. I'm thankful that we are finally able to speak openly about this. For far too long it has been kept secret and those who were abused and suffering were threatened into silence, which only made their suffering worse. Now it is coming to light and the attention of others. Now some healing can begin. It's about time.

Sorry to be a buzz kill for those who are sexual predators. No, actually I'm not at all.