Deep Secrets

“Clinical psychologist William Pollack describes the "mask of masculinity" that boys wear that reinforces forces a code of conduct he calls the "boy code"-a code that equates being emotionally stoic, invulnerable, physically tough, and independent with being male. If boys and young men do not follow this "boy code," according to Pollack, they are at best picked on and at worst tortured.' We have seen evidence of the harmful consequences of this boy code in the recent spate of suicides of boys and young men who were harassed by their peers for acting "gay" or "girlish."

Addressing an older group of adolescent boys, sociologist Michael Kimmel notes in Guyland that young men between the ages of 16 and 26 adhere to the same "boy code" but he calls it a "guy code." "The Guy Code, and the Boy Code, before it, demands that boys and young men shut down emotionally, that they suppress compassion and inflate ambition. And it extracts compliance with coercion and fear." These scholars argue, in essence, that boys are socialized from a very young age to be emotionally stoic, aggressive, and seemingly invulnerable and that "as a result, boys feel effeminate not only if they express emotions, but even if they feel them."

Our "hyper" masculine American culture-a culture in which heterosexual men do not hold hands and boys do not share beds unless they are from the same family-frames boys and men as unable to have and thus as uninterested in having intimate male friendships. Even the fundamental capacity for males to have rich and emotionally satisfying lives is questioned by scholars. Psychologist gist Stephen Frosh summarizes this view: "Boys (and men) are [perceived as] emotionally inarticulate, lacking the capacity to `name' and therefore even to experience feelings and emotions, and particularly to engage in sustained and reflective conversation about their feelings for and relationships with others." In their best-selling book Raising Cain, the authors conclude:

The majority of boys are not prepared to manage the complexities of a loving relationship because they've been shortchanged on the basic skills of emotional literacy: empathy, conscience, the vocabulary for meaningful emotional expression, and the idea that emotional interdependence dependence is an asset-not a liability…

My research, which has taken place over the past 20 years, has suggested two overarching sets of themes. The first set indicates that boys, especially during early and middle adolescence, cence, have or want emotionally intimate male friendships that entail shared secrets and feelings. These shared secrets and feelings ings are, furthermore, the primary reason why they consider their friendships close and what they enjoy most about their male friendships. Included in this first set is the pattern that boys explicitly link "talking" and the "sharing of secrets" in these relationships lationships to their mental health, claiming that they would go "wacko" without having "someone to talk to."

The second set of themes is that as these boys become men, they grow more fearful of betrayal by and distrustful of their male peers and less willing to have emotionally intimate male friendships. They also begin to speak increasingly of feeling lonely and depressed. While they continue to desire intimate friendships, they feel they can no longer "find" the type of trustworthy, close friend they had when they were younger.

As will become evident throughout the book, these themes were not heard from a small group of boys within my studies; they were heard by at least three-fourths of the boys (depending on the study) we interviewed from early to late adolescence. lescence. Black, Latino, Asian American, and White boys spoke about having and wanting intimate male friendships and then gradually losing these relationships and their trust in their male peers. The consequences of this loss, as the boys reveal, are dramatic..."

~ Niobe Way, Deep Secrets
"[Deep Secrets] offers a surprising glimpse into the hearts of American boys, revealing a group of lonely young men who crave acceptance and belonging and deeply miss the friendships of their childhood...Compulsively readable...Way recounts the hundreds of interviews her team conducted in American high schools. The voices present are heartbreakingly authentic in revealing a pattern, a gradual drift away from "emotionally intimate same-sex friendships" with other boys and toward a destructive stereotype of manliness that perpetuate the false notion that "boys are only interested in one thing." (Publishers Weekly (starred review) 2011-04-11)

Deep Secrets tells a story of American teenagers in baggy jeans and T-shirts, with a basketball under the arm, expressing extraordinary sensitivity and tenderness about their same-sex friends, and expecting the same in return. The disappearance of this gentle world, it seems, scars them for life, and appears to do extensive damage to the culture at large... In short, this is an extremely important book, a revelation in a way, and one of the most absorbing academic publications I've ever had the privilege of reading. (Bradley Winterton Taipei Times 2011-05-08)

Way's book should provide encouragement to parents wondering whether they are setting their children, especially their sons, up for abuse by encouraging closeness and defiance of gender stereotypes, particularly those concerning close same-sex friends. Way asserts that the need and ability for connection is as keen in boys as it is in girls, and she backs up her assertion with plenty of data and close reading of the literature. Connection is not something one needs to teach, as the author so eloquently demonstrates; it is something one needs to foster. The text is beautifully written, and the boys' stories are interspersed with explanations and discussion substantiated by the literature. A truly approachable piece of work for a wide audience. (J. F. Heberle Choice 2011-09-01)"