They Can Afford It

Truly religious people always make jokes about their religion; their faith is so strong that they can afford it. - Alan Watts

A fundamentalist Christian preacher and a Catholic priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest asked for a glass of wine. The preacher asked for water mentioning that true Christians avoid alcohol.

The priest argued, "But Jesus drank wine" [lightly fermented Nazarene fruit juice in place of water]. The fundamentalist shot back, "I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn't."

"A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Stephen Colbert:
"On the conclave that elects the pope:

“It’s like the Christian Super Bowl, only with less thanking Jesus.”

On Pope Francis:

“He’s too soft on sin, for me, this pope. You heard what he said about atheists? He said even atheists are redeemed by Christ. … If even atheists are redeemed by Christ, why have I been going to Mass every Sunday? I could have gotten another nine holes in!”

More on that score:

“If the Lord redeems atheists all bets are off. What’s next? The Lord redeems Lutherans? It’s madness! I feel like a chump. … I’m just so glad Jesus didn’t live to see this.”

On Francis’ desire to have “a poor church”:

“That’s not the Catholic Church I signed up for! When I toss a sawbuck in the basket on Sunday I want production values, okay? … I think religion should be like going to ‘The Avengers.’ Who cares what it’s about as long as it looks cool.”

On the church’s commitment to the poor:

“But if we’re just concentrating on the poor, helping the poor, that leaves the rich out — guys like me! … We need more help. The poor shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. A camel can get through the eye of a needle more than a rich man can get into heaven. I need help more than a poor person does.”

On wealth and the gospel:

“Jesus himself said: ‘I got mine, Jack.’”

On the benefits of clerical celibacy:

“It’s actually a great pickup line: ‘I’m seriously considering the priesthood. You can change my mind.’”

On fancy words in the new translation of the Nicene Creed:

“Consubstantial! It’s the creed! It’s not the SAT prep.”

On Jesus:

“Jesus isn’t only my co-pilot. Sometimes I let him drive.”

On going on a “Catholic bender” for Lent:

“Every year Catholics are supposed to give up something they love for 40 days. So this year I gave up Catholicism. Instead I tried some other brand-name religions. I tried Judaism. It was nice but I hated myself.”

More on doing too many devotionals:

“I got totally pious-faced. I did every station of the cross. I can’t remember how many sacraments I did. For all I know I’m celibate now. … At one point I genuflected all over the back of a cab.”

A final note: Colbert’s Catholic faith isn’t just for laughs. He teaches first Communion classes at his New Jersey parish and can also speak eloquently and profoundly about the role Catholicism has played in coping with sorrows as well as joys in his own life. He did so in a 2012 interview in The New York Times Magazine and in a recent tribute to his mother at her death."