What the hell is sacred partnership?

To most women,
friendship is not a luxury;
it is an essential part of their being.
~ Sue Patton Thoele

The trouble with talking too fast
is you may say something you haven't thought of yet. ~ Ann Landers

“Gene and I are a good example of a marriage that was founded on very traditional, even old-fashioned, ideas and is evolving into new ways of being that better fit our more mature selves. Our personal changes parallel the shift from authoritarian to egalitarian beliefs that society as a whole is experiencing. We personally can vouch for the fact that making changes is not easy nor done quickly, but is possible…

As Gene and I have walked the path of sacred partnership, I have come more and more to see that having the intimate marriage we deeply want is predicated on our desire for and commitment to having an intimate and enduring relationship not only with ourselves, but with God… I call myself a Celtic Christian because, for me, that phrase encompasses the mysticism, awe, and reverence for Feminine Energy in nature and spirit, a deep affinity for Christ—both the person and the Power—and an indefinable chalice into which I can pour my evolving understanding of the Mystery…

The only thing we know for sure about love is that without it, we wither. When it comes to the workings of love, the Western “just the facts, Ma’am” approach very rarely helps us. That’s because love is not rational; through the experience of love, we are being invited to surrender to its enigmatic pull on us, relaxing into the wonder and awe with which it fills us. When we do this, we become poets and artists of love rather than engineers and technicians. By melting into love, we can find in our hearts an intuitive knowledge about how we can best love, rather than laboring over this or that technique. By swimming with the current of love’s mystery rather than trying to harness and solve it, we can be happier and more serene. That’s not always easy to do.

When I first started writing this book, I put our relationship under such a high-powered microscope that my husband, Gene, was squirming like a butterfly impaled by a pin. According to the impossible magnification I was suddenly viewing us through, he could do very little right, and didn’t particularly care to do right. I did not fare well either. I kept muttering to myself, “What the hell is sacred partnership?” I became convinced that if I could figure it out, we surely didn’t have one! How could I presume to write this book? We were a mess, and it was not much of a mystery why. So often people do to their relationships just what I was doing to mine— scrutinize them to death instead of looking at them with gratitude and delightful discovery! It was weeks before I regained my perspective and could once more become enthralled by the mystery of the marriage Gene and I have, and how it unfolds each day as we explore our hunger for unity with each other, ourselves, and God. What a relief!..

One of the biggest reasons why modern day marriages are failing at an alarming rate, or simply not feeling rewarding to the partners, is that we have been marrying for the last several thousand years into a world that is overbalanced in masculine mentality. When either sex concentrates solely on masculine or feminine energy, it is thrown out of balance and harmony with the natural order of things, and can experience rigidity, judgment, and loss of heart as a result. Ideally, the world—and the individuals in it—needs a balance of masculine and feminine, for, when they are out of balance, the dark sides of each begin to emerge.

Negative masculine energy tends to act out its need for control from a deeply entrenched sense of entitlement, demanding domination and control of others through power and superior physical strength. On the other hand, negative feminine energy, hungry for control, will more likely manifest in a manipulative or guilt-evoking way. Neither fosters heart connections. This is what we’ve been experiencing in the past two thousand years through the rule of patriarchy—the manifestation of negative masculine and feminine energy that has disconnected us from our hearts. In sacred partnership, the head bows to the heart and soul. Not so with patriarchy, the rule of the masculine principle. Patriarchy bows to no one and no thing!.. as those of you who have gone through readjusting roles will know, it ain’t that easy!

As I began to assert myself, Gene and I went through a very rough period of redefining our relationship. I can remember one crucial conversation that turned the tide of our power struggle toward the oasis of partnership. We were having a discussion (argument) about my not wanting to be in control in the relationship, but definitely not wanting to be bottom dog either. I wanted to be equal dog! The phone interrupted our talk, and when I got back to him, Gene had time to really think about how he felt. His response was, “I’m used to being top dog. I don’t like the idea of being equal dog…”

In the summer of 1993,I was privileged to go on a pilgrimage entitled “Women’s Mysteries Abroad.” Fourteen of us, led by two extremely knowledgeable and wonderfully spiritual women, explored ancient sacred sites in Ireland, England, and Wales. Frankly, I didn’t know much about the places we were going but was, nonetheless, compelled to join the group. It turned out to be a magical and life-changing experience seemingly orchestrated from above. No one understands how I received the brochure since I wasn’t even on the mailing list! Before the trip, I regularly felt extremely angry with myself and other women over the extent of our fear of men and our overwhelming concern about how they felt about us. Why in the world we were such wimps? Then I began to learn of the reality of the gender holocausts that have taken place over the centuries. I’ve come to believe that the fear engendered by those holocausts has embedded itself into the collective female psyche, passed down through the ages, from mother to daughter, woven in the very fabric of our ancestral line by the memory of atrocities almost too hideous to recount. Far from being wimps, we women have been incredibly wise and courageous, protecting the Sacred Feminine voice until a time when it could safely be heard and honored again.

Examples of extreme disregard for and devaluing of the feminine include the fact that in some societies unwanted girl babies are routinely killed soon after birth. Although it seems unbelievable, female infanticide is still happening today, particularly in China. Perhaps this kind of contempt for the feminine is what prompted Saint Teresa of Avila to say, “Just being a woman is enough to make one’s wings fall off.”
The most notorious annihilation of women happened between the 14th and 17th centuries during “The Burning Times”… During these years, 85% of those killed for the crime of witchcraft were women… Six generations of children watched as their mothers were burned at the stake for honoring and speaking out from their own feminine wisdom. Just writing these words makes me physically sick; is it any wonder that we women have been secretly frightened to share our intuitive feminine voices?

We do have several instances in our collective past of the masculine and feminine working together spiritually in complementary cooperation. One that I was pleased to learn about on my trip was that the Celts, Druids, and early Christian mystics very happily shared their wisdom with each other and, in some cases, willingly adopted certain beliefs from one another. In secluded areas, this natural compatibility continued uninterrupted for centuries. Unfortunately, most of these enclaves have now been “modernized,” and the feminine voice has been effectively muffled in them also. But thankfully, we are now moving into a time when many of us—men and women alike—can and are renouncing the sacrificial voice of subservient fear and are regaining the Sacred Feminine without being subjected to rejection, abuse, persecution, or projection. And when we are faced with these negative responses, we’re finding the courage within ourselves to speak out anyway…”

~ Sue Patton Thoele, Heart Centered Marriage: Fulfilling Our Natural Desire For Sacred Partnership
A licensed psychotherapist for over twenty-five years, Sue Patton Thoele is now thoroughly enjoying a “retirement” phase of life that includes painting, singing, resting, reading, enjoying family and friendship, studying, and being available for whomever — or whatever — resonates with her heart. Sue is the author of a dozen books including The Courage To Be Yourself and The Mindful Woman. She and her husband, Gene, live in Colorado near their adult children and grandchildren.